You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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