I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
