So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
