woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Be still, my beating vagina.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
