well I can't set my house on fire every night
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's shark week go big or go home
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
