Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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