I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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