Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
