I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
