definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
