I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
ttyl tear gas
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
