Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
