Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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