U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
