I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
