So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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