Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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