I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
being pregnant is like rehab
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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