There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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