An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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