Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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