is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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