I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
