I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
