Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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