No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
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Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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