So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
