man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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