I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
