oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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