Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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