I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
