i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
