I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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