So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
