it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
