I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
