The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
