Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
