There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I love having hate sex.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
