I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i think i just lost a toe
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
