I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
