i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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