After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Boobs are out for the taking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
