Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
