omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
