Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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