Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
