Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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