omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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