A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.