why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
