tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
