so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
