I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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