I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
