just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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