If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
