Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
